My Child is a Serial Killer

I have noticed a pattern of behavior in my child. I think she’s bumping off all of her “little friends.”

The other day I was dusting (come on, I’m a modern guy), and I found Zoë’s baby (we’re trying to get Zoë to name her Lena — but “Baby” it is) dumped behind the television. I’m no forensic pathologist, but Baby looks like she got herself clipped.

So, I’ve decided to launch an investigation. I think I see a pattern developing: first Elmo, now Baby. I’m afraid she’s going to send Big Bear to sleep with the fishes next, or maybe it’ll be Flatbush the Rabbit or Dolly.

I only hope I can stop this madness before anyone else gets hurt.